Dear John E. Vangelist,
Thank you for your submission of ‘The Bible’ to Croney, Smarm & Thicke.
We obviously can’t represent anything of 700000 words and neither will anyone else, so you’d be much better off breaking it up into instalments. There’s always a market for a good YA fantasy series, and you could get at least ten books from something this long. But you’d need a snappier title (what is a ‘Bible’ anyway? I thought it would turn out to be the name of a scary monster LOL, but it’s not even mentioned in the synopsis) and a much clearer plot line than you have now. Oh, and if it’s the YA market you’re aiming for then you’d have to take out the incest and gang rape parts (perhaps a separate BDSM series under a different pseudonym?).
I read the sample opening chapters and quite liked the descriptions of your fantasy universe. I also liked the idea of a romantic triangle / gender politics story with Eve as the femme fatale (go girl! :)), God as the macho alpha male and Adam as the sensitive new man / wet blanket, but I was a bit disappointed that the magic snake didn’t have any kind of special powers to take revenge. And I didn’t understand what God was planning to do with or in the garden after he repossessed it (love the flaming sword, by the way – surely an enchanted weapon like this should come back later in the story?) or why he set up Abel to be killed by Cain but then branded Cain and sent him to the Land of Nod. What was he playing at? I thought maybe he was trying to isolate Eve and stalk her, but then she disappears from the story anyway. And why does Cain just accept it? Wouldn’t he take the throne of Nod and lead the Nodians in search of revenge? That could be the foundation of the whole series or at least a spin-off trilogy.
As things are, it seems from the synopsis that God, the wizard, is supposed to be the hero (or villain?) of the series, but he doesn’t seem to develop much as a character and I didn’t get any real sense of his goals. I also think he might suffer a bit from not having any backstory (another possible spin-off series). Shouldn’t his jealousy, for instance, and his voyeurism in the Adam and Eve episode, have some kind of psychological root? And why is his relationship with his son so dysfunctional? (And when the son becomes an undead creature, why doesn’t he attack anyone? That’s pointless and just not believable I’m afraid.) Maybe it would give the God race a bit more depth if they had some kind of weakness, like Kryptonite for Superman – because if there’s no way to hurt or kill God, where will the suspense come from?
And I don’t understand this horsemen ending at all. Sorry. It just makes no sense. It isn’t even clear if God’s side wins or loses. In fact the entire last third is basically all Greek to me.
Anyway, I think with time and hard work you might have a future in fantasy, but unfortunately not with this. Thanks all the same for thinking of us at Croney, Smarm & Thicke. Good luck with whatever you try next.